If you’re anything like me, you add just about anyone who requests you. You’ll probably do it for your own pleasure. If you want to compare your shitty life to someone else’s, all you have to do is type their name into the search bar and an instant smile comes across your face. And, you can’t ‘decline’ grandma Jean, who just turned 85 and wanted to “do a Facebook, or whatever the hell it’s called.” Unless they’re 12, or you have zero mutual friends with them, you usually accept their request. I recently looked through my friends on Facebook and decided to make a list of people who I’ve added through the years. You’ve probably added a couple of them, too.
Relatives (Who Comment of EVERYTHING)
I personally don’t have one of these, and I’m sure glad I don’t. BUT, my friends have them and it’s an actual living hell. These friends are usually ones that comment on your latest picture with “what a handsome man! XOXO Was that taken in Santa Clara?” or “Stephen, nobody needs to see what beer you’re drinking! Be safe honey!”
Your High School Friends
When you first made this thing, it was because everyone in high school (or middle school) had one, and you wanted to fit in. These ‘friends’ are most useful when it comes to comparing weight, life choices, and grammar mistakes. Keep these ones, you’ll need them when your life sucks and you need a comparison. Which is always.
This one is usually in the high school friends category, but it needed one of its own.. You’re always comparing yourself to whoever they’re with, for better or worse. 90% of the time you search their name around 1:30 AM when you can’t sleep to see how awful their life has gotten (even if they got skinnier and are doing better than you, you’re convinced otherwise). This will happen every couple days until you find a new boyfriend/girlfriend.
Friends Who Post Sweet Pictures of Their 1997 Dodge Ram/Honda Civic/Subaru Legacy
Sweet whip homie. Not only does this friend drive around town enough to burn through a tank of gas a day, but they also post numerous pictures of their ride every day. They usually remind everyone that “my parents didn’t pay for this,” or that they “just installed the turbo in my Civ.” Awesome, that turbo’s probably going to rattle out your entire engine and your frame is completely Bondo’d. (Bonus: Civic/Legacy owner also vapes… well, probably. See category below).
Stoners (Or Vapers)
Honestly, majority of the people I go to school with smoke, at least occasionally. Which I don’t mind. However, everyone has that friend that posts 18 pictures a day of their new piece (or if you vape: vape mod, vape juice, vape skin, vape accessories, vape life). We get it. You do illegal shit. Most other people in high school/college do. One occasional picture/post should remind people that you smoke (or vape, vape life, vape mod, vape skins, vape juice, just bought a new Subie, it’s a ’96 Legacy with super low mileage). Keep these friends, too.
Friends Who Are ‘Growing Up’
From having babies, to getting married, to buying homes, to having a real job, you have a friend your age doing one of these. Meanwhile, you’re sitting on your couch in your apartment, single, drinking a Heineken and eating a cupcake at 2:30 in the afternoon and (still) looking a job with your liberal arts degree.
Friends Who Still Haven’t Moved Out Of Their Parents Place
With the above, comes this. As your scroll through your newsfeed and see one friend getting married, the post directly below it shows how Billy just beat Tomb Raider 7 for the 10th time (“It just keeps getting better!”). Like Marcus from “The Benchwarmers,” this Facebook friend might also make pterodactyl sculptures out of peanut butter and cast spells at any visitors who enter the basement.
Friends Who Still Live In Their High School Days
Most of their posts start off with something like “#tb to the days I dropped 30 points over our rival senior year.” There are a few exceptions to posting something like this: if you’re under 21, or if you’re pro. Most of these friends work at the local McDonald’s. Full time. (Bonus: If you’re friends with the parent of the high schooler, who also lives in their children’s glory days).
Friends Who #Hashtag on Facebook
If their account isn’t linked to Twitter, they’re probably the category above, or middle aged. Or both.
People Who Post Their Blog Through Their Own Social Media
Attention whores, like me.