What American History Has Taught Me, Pt. 1

I wanted to separate this into two parts; the things that were cool, and the things that sucked. Since I’m 90 percent pessimistic 100 percent of the time,  I think it would be fun to start off by all the dumb, tacky shit we once thought about American history that was debunked by college.

  1. Columbus was in fact an idiot. I did indeed know that he was trying to get to India and landed here. It’s a pretty honest mistake to make, considering he thought the world was flat and was really pulling the voyage out of his ass. After finding out that he was indeed a racist and a pig, he also has quite a way with words, as described in his Third Voyage to America: ” But as I have already described, I have now seen so much irregularity, that I have come to another conclusion respecting the Earth, namely, that it is not round as they describe, but of the form of a pear, which is very round except where the stalk grows, at which part it is most prominent; or like a round ball upon part of which is a prominence like a woman’s nipple, this protrusion being the highest and nearest the sky, situated under the equinoctial line, and at the eastern extremity of this sea…  but this western half of the world I maintain is like half of a very round pear, having a raised projection for the stalk, as I have already described, or like a woman’s nipple on a round ball” (OpenAmLit). Usually when I write and use a reference like this, I try to use it maybe just once, but whatever.
  2. Staying on track, Don Antonio De Otermin was also kind of a douche (this will be reiterated in the native’s perspective in part 2). I’m still unsure as to why there was any human being out there that could be so cruel. it really surprises the hell out of me. De Otermin and his band of idiots came into native lands, Christianized them, and proceeded to wonder why the indigenous tribes not only killed their religious hierarchies, but wanted wage war against them. “He came back from thee after a short time, saying that his people asked that all classes of Indians who were in our power be given up to them, both those in the service of the Spaniards and those of the Mexican nation of that suburb of Analco. He demanded also that his wife and children be given up to him, and likewise that all the Apache men and women whom the Spaniards had captured in war be turned over to them, inasmuch as some Apaches who were among them were asking for them… Seeing his determination, and what they demanded of us, and especially the fact that it was untrue that there were any Apaches among them, because they were at war with all of them, and that these parleys were intended solely to obtain his wife and children and to gain time for the arrival of the other rebellious nations to join them and besiege us, and that during this time they were robbing and sacking what was in the said hermitage and the houses of the Mexicans, I told him (having given him all the preceding admonitions as a Christian and a Catholic) to return to his people and say to them that unless they immediately desisted from sacking the houses and dispersed, I would send to drive them away from there. Whereupon he went back, and his people received him with peals of bells and trumpets, giving loud shouts in sign of war” (OpenAmLit). That literally sums up the entirety of the Spanish/native contact. The natives ask for a bit of freedom and their loved ones, the Spaniards say that will never happen, and they go to war. Luckily, the natives won this one out, but I can’t imagine how many times ignorant deals like this went down.
  3. The entirety of Cabeza De Vaca made me chuckle. It’s one of those stories that you can’t make up. Boats being lost, famine and disease taking out like the majority of the crew while the rest were killed by natives… and to go from that to settling with them, and to then pissing them off again. The last thing he has to say is “Even to the last, I could not convince the Indians that we were of the Christians…” (OpenAmLit).

And that last line really takes care of the rest of it for me. See, I liked the rest of American Literature. I think that it really broadened my scope on knowledge. But I hated this stuff. And I’ll be honest, I didn’t pay nearly enough attention to it. I hated how Christianity ruined the beginnings of our country. This stuff makes me sick. The Puritan age and the Jonathan Edwards reign is hilarious, but this is awful.

It makes you wonder why we hate the Muslims in today’s world, doesn’t it?


*mic drop*


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